Letter No. 11
March 12th 2017 Jordan, It has taken me a long time to feel evenly about everything, to be able to think about anything that relates to you and be just fine while thinking. About 2 hours ago I figured out what kept me so unsettled after that day. It wasn’t anything you had done. It was me. All me. And, I’m sorry. I’m sorry this happened the way it did. It was my fault. I got caught up and didn’t let the little action carry through. I’m sorry I didn’t dance with you that day on the pier. I’m so sorry I was what I was. And, I’m sorry for taking for granted the tomorrow that would never be there. I just, I need to tell you that in person, but when? So, for now, I have this here. I miss you. Really. But I am okay now. I can think about your family. I can think about songs and events and I feel okay. I feel okay about thinking about letting go. I’ll always love you, there’s no turning back from that, but I am okay with trying to let it go, to let it stay frozen in time forever. This is really my final note. I think I can gladly give them away now. Thank you, for all the good times. They are a real treasure. Thank you. Halia
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Letter No. 10
September 28th, 2016 Jordan, Today is the end. Of us. I didn’t see it coming and yet it was everything I feared. And I fear like that. I want you to know that I won’t ever love again. I don’t want you to feel badly, but I want to be honest with you and let you know that I will not be married and I will not date anyone. I want you to know that. Now I want to tell you all those things I haven’t said yet and all the things I want you t know. I want you to know that I don’t love easily but I loved you. I am always afraid to share with people, to let them in, to let my guard down, but I did that with you. I was more honest with you then with anyone. I hop you know that. I was true to you. I just don’t understand how you got here. How do you lose a feeling that you seemed to feel so strongly in such a short time unless it wasn’t there to begin with. Was it really there? Were you really in love with me? I think that you are being rash but I also am hurt. A lot. So I am biased. I just don’t know what to make of this. I want to make this work. I did everything. Everything. Why? I thought I knew you. I thought I did. I wish I did. I wish you knew me. This letter will not do any justice to what I am thinking and feeling and who I am, but I love who you are. I know I shouldn’t say that but it’s true. I just don’t understand. Now I want to tell you a story that I refrained from telling you some time ago because I was scared. I am still scared but I want to show you that I am being honest with you. Okay, this story is about someone I used to have feelings for. I can’t remember what we were talking about to bring it up but essentially, I said something about how I love deeply and I was referring to one or the first guys I really liked. I had this huge thing for him only for over 2 years until I realized what kind of person he was. I just felt like I should tell you that since I never did. I also want you to know that I don’t want to have any false hope, but I also want you to see that it could be there. You know, I could have handled anything. I could’ve done it all I was ready to fight all the trials for you but I couldn’t give you feelings for me and that is what crushed me. Nothing else. I’m still not trying to make you feel bad. I just want you to know. Goodbye. Halia Letter No. 9
September 25th, 2016 Dear, First of all, I’m sorry I flew off at you last time. I was hurting and I didn’t know what to do and all the little things were aggravated. I’m sorry. Second, I have a short, serious letter for you tonight. Do you love me still? I’m sorry if this seems strange, it’s just, you haven’t said so in a while, and I’m beginning to worry. I just don’t want to hurt either of us by sticking around if you don’t feel that way any longer. Please be honest and upfront with me. Please. I can’t take it if you aren’t. I’m much more fragile then I seem and I don’t want to break either of us. I miss you. Not just in body, but I feel like all your presence is missing. I can’t take that- loving you and having to guess if you do or not. I told you I would start to become distant, I didn’t. I will be now. I want you to make decisions. I want you to push. I want you to decide, to sort out whatever it is your dealing with, or tell me. That would be ideal- if you told me. I want you back. The real you. Help me find you. I miss you. A lot. I love you. Halia Letter No. 8
September 22, 2016 Jordan, I am so mad at you. Okay, I’m not mad. I’m just really, upset and a little hurt as well. You and I were supposed to video talk tonight but it’s been two hours and I have been waiting. I am worried as hell but part of me is upset too. You have been so very distant lately and I get that you’re busy but you don’t understand. I don’t entirely blame because, to be fair, I haven’t told you. I will now. In a minute. I just keep thinking the worst and if it isn’t and you just fell asleep or got busy doing homework I would probably be the angriest. Not because you are doing either of those things, but because you couldn’t just tell me you were too tired or busy to talk tonight. That’s all you have to say. But here I am- stuck worrying about you and not knowing what is happening. Okay, now I owe you an explanation as to why this makes me SO very angry. Besides the fact that it would bother anyone, but this whole not talking thing. It was great to talk 24/7 all summer when you were here and not nearly as busy as you are now. That’s all fine and dandy, but I don’t need that to be happy. I don’t. Really. I know your life is crazy and college is a commitment in and of itself. The only reason I need that confirmation that you are there and that you still love me is because of my past two real experiences with guys. Both times I started talking to them like crazy and would text constantly, but then one day they would just get really low on responses until they stopped responding at all. I always worried a little about if I was being too pushy, clingy and obnoxious, but I really wasn’t. Now I have this fear that it will happen with you too and it makes me really afraid and sometimes angry. Does that make sense? I love you. So much and I just want to know we’re still in the place we once were. I need to know that. Unfortunately, I have that fear and issue. I’m not perfect, but I never claimed to be and I just wanted you to know. It doesn’t help anything that my uncle is in the hospital and I have no idea if he will be okay or not. I just really needed you tonight. I can’t grieve with my family. I normally grieve alone, but I just don’t show that kind of connection with them. I do with you. Unfortunately, I can’t be anymore. I am hurt. I really needed support and I just had more worries. It’s not your fault. I am just hurting. Not that I want to leave on a bad note, but I have to go. I love you. I really do. Halia P.s. Here I find out you were talking to your friends- WHO YOU SEE EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I get to see you once a week AT MOST and you couldn’t even remember. And you would have ended our conversation early to do homework WHICH YOU DIDN’T EVEN DO BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY TALKING WITH PEOPLE. I am just so very upset and you are just so far away. You forgot the one thing I look foreword to every week, the one thing that will make all the tough things bearable, the one thing that reminds me you still care. And I know you do, but do you care like you used to? You called me and didn’t ask me many questions. You didn’t really try and figure out what was wrong. You didn’t ask me more when I made comments or when I told you things. You just made statements. I just hoped you could’ve been the one to make me talk. You didn’t. And what’s more, you didn’t even say I love you. I am a bit angrier at you, but I am so mad that you made me cry. Letter No. 7
Wednesday September 14th Darling, What archaic terms we use for each other. How quaint, yes? Today has been a bit of a day for me and I found myself running an emotional gamut that, looking back, was a bit week in disposition. What can I say, I may try to be strong but I’m still human and hormones are annoying neighbors. :P A lot has been going on and keeping us both on our toes, but I had some time to focus on us tonight. My brother was asking me to recount nearly all of our dates and what important thing happened each time. It made me miss you to look back but it was also nice. When I decided he heard enough I just got to sit on the trunk of my car and look at the stars. Beautiful. Just like you. You know, we talked on Skype last night and I know you miss me but you just seemed so distant. I know what distancing is and why, but I wish we could connect a little bit more when we talk, but yeah. I get it. J There is, however, one thing I need to know. I told you about a dream I had of us being married. I felt like you didn’t really like the idea at all. Maybe I’m just being paranoid but tell me that your heart sings just a little bit when you think about it too. I know what you do. You overthink. You look ahead. You plan. I know you’ve thought about it. Why not admit it? I want to know if you still feel the way you once did. I guess the only reason I keep talking about it is because I feel like I’m so close to a huge life decision that could affect both of us and I want to make sure the proper decisions are made. Most of all you need to know, I love you. Halia Letter No. 6
Friday September 9th, 2016 Jordan, It’s still our anniversary. Goodness you waited so long to say it. Meanie. I love you. It’s kinda funny, right now that’s one thing I want to say, while at the same time, what this letter will consist of is all the rest. I know you love me. I do. I just wonder if we want the same things. I wonder if I would be better off with someone else, not because of you, but because of me. But I know I’d be better off alone if not with you. And I am kinda thinking that is how I need to look at my life- without you. Until I know otherwise. I just don’t yet. I keep getting mixed signs and I wish you would just flat out tell me. I do. Tonight I asked you where you wanted to be in 5 years and you didn’t once mention anything about me, or a family- with or without me. I ask you those things in part because I want to know if you still think of the future like I do. But, to be fair, I think you’re worried about not being able to take care of me. I get that; I just wish you would douse those fears in a scouring rain. I do. If I get more distant now, I’m sorry. It’s not my intention to be but I have to protect myself. You know how I am. You do. I only wish I could make you see that I am so hopelessly lost in you and yet I know I’m right where I need to be. I am. I can guarantee, however, that things won’t be the same until I know. You will wonder, I know that, but I just can’t fall from such a height. I’m afraid of them, remember. Heights that is. I just hope you will not drop me. But even if you do, I know that I helped with something in your life, otherwise I never would have touched it. You know? But most of all, I love you. Halia Letter No. 5
Friday September 9th, 2016 To the dearest, most loving, helpful, holy, caring, gracious man I have ever met, Two months ago today (officially) you and I started dating. That is just something so crazy and insane. I’ve been thinking a lot about how life can change so quickly. Even in just a year so many things have happened and look how much has changed in two months! I never knew a love so deep. If you had told me a year ago that I would be dating the most handsome and loving man the world has to offer, I would not only have laughed hysterically, but I couldn’t even have imagined it. I mean, I was so different then, crazy as it seems. To start, I was in love with someone who was not right for me and I had not learned yet how to let that love change into the kind of love that helped me to let him go and tell him what he needed to hear. Also, because of this love, or lust, I made some bad decisions about life and I did not have my priorities straight. But here we are. If there is anything that says, “God is good” better, I don’t know what it is. So, thank you. Through God’s grace I have changed, in one way. I am still broken and a miserable excuse for a human being, but I am trying. Actively. I want to be living each day like it is my last. You know what’s so great about it though? Now I have someone who is also trying. Someone who also wants God in the forefront of their mind. I love you. Thank you for loving me. I don’t understand why you do. Not really. I will admit that I don’t like compliments, but part of the reason is because of that time just about a year ago. I used to accept those words, but it changed me and I am afraid of being that again. I hope you can understand that one-day. Anyway, I know that I have a sort of charm and this almost flirty, outgoing personality, and I know that’s what brings some people in, but beyond that, I don’t have mush to offer. True, all I can see is the mess and the mistakes, but I really don’t see why you should stay. That alone makes you a thousand times more precious to me. I love you. I hope you will always know that, because even if we don’t end up together, even if we were just stepping-stones to the path God has planned, I will always love you. Far be it from me to stand in God’s way, but you are the only one. When we started dating, Jack said something to me that I will think of for a very long time- “It’s Josh or no one”. He just really liked that we were together, but he pointed out a very real truth- It’s you or no one. I have felt a real love with you and if we aren’t meant to be, then no one can take your place. I will not plan myself to have a future with anyone but myself. (That’s when a degree and determination come in handy). So when I tell you “I’m yours” I really am. And you know, maybe that’s why I’m stressed about school, because if I have you I don’t need to have an education and when I focus on it I feel like I’m committing to this life that I can only live alone. I just don’t think I have to and so I become bothered by it. I don’t know. I have another thing to say before moving on and telling you how wonderful you are (and I will. Seriously). I think I’ve said it before but, I’m not the girl that is gonna wait. I’m gonna be contradictory here, but bare with me. I am not going to wait around for something that “might happen”. That’s part of the reason I think promise rings are dumb. I know I want to be with you and if I know that is what you have planned to, if you know that’s what God wants and you are going to go for it, I will wait until you’re done with school, I’ll wait until I’m done with school, but I not just going to sit around. Life is too short to go around thinking about “one day”. You may never have one day and your time is up. You weren’t living and now you’re paying. So yeah. Okay, I told you this was coming, you are perfect. Truly. I believe you are practicing perfection and letting no more then what is common to man befall you. To be both blunt and a little on the R side, there were so many times when we were together when you could’ve done so many things (you know what I mean), but you didn’t. You were a perfect gentleman. You have a pure heart and you want to please God. Not people. That’s one thing I find so attractive about you. You put effort and time into what you do. You can admit you’re wrong and you can make the hard decisions. You know that if you have to tell me know you can. I love your honesty and that you can just say what you are thinking or feeling (even if I have to push you) and you aren’t afraid. Maybe on the inside, but you are still willing to be open. Besides all of that, you have been more to me then I ever thought you could be. That’s a scary thought to me. I don’t trust- you know that- and I have trusted you. I feel safe with you. I know I have put trust in someone who deserves it. You are so very handsome and you do the most adorable things that just melt my heart. You don’t even know you do them, but you do and I love it. Just you being you. It’s stunning and I want you to know that I love who you are and what you are. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, so happy anniversary. I love you. Halia Letter No. 4
Thursday September 8th, 2016 My dearest, OHHHHHHHH, I just can’t WAIT for Christmas. I want it to come and I want to be done with this semester and I want to see you again and spend time with you. I want you to spend time with my family and I REALLY want to spend time with your family too!!! I am just sooooooo looking forward to it. I want to have so many experiences with you and I want the time between now and then to fly by. I know we shouldn’t take a second for granted because we never know what day will be our last but I just want to be with you. Badly. I also want to live each day like it’s my last and be in a holy state, help me with that. To not put you first. Oh! It’s raining, that just makes me think about you more. Okay, I love you. I can’t wait until you get home and until Christmas comes. I can’t wait to share traditions with you and to make some new ones too. But I can wait, and I will. I love you. Halia Letter No. 3
Wednesday September 7th, 2016 Darling, We had a lovely phone conversation tonight. It was so good to hear your voice and to be able to talk. There was so much that I was holding in and I had to bite back my tongue so much today in order to help this classmate. It’s amazing how different people and how different you have to behave around them. I’m glad I don’t have to behave differently around you. It’s such a relief. Thank you for being my life coach, for pushing me, for not letting me make excuses. No one (no human anyway) is willing to do that for me and it is something I realize now that I need. You’re right and I’m stubborn and I’m sorry for my little bit of argumentation. It is my personality and my shortcoming and I know I need to curb it. The thing it, all my fears and doubts come back to one question that I feel like I need to answer, but I know what I should do. I should just go on with my plan as if I was- as I once believed to be my path- to be alone and just make time for you as well. I should go to school, work at Drakes, work for danceline, stop riding lessons until winter break, quit Smokin’ D’s, meet Kathleen every other week to work on stories, homework, and do the meal shopping and planning for my family. Then make time for you too. I should just go on as I have been but I just hate to waste time, as much as I do it, I hate to. I also should eat healthy and exercise, stretch and DO HOMEWORK. I hate to vent to you, but I just love you so much that I want you to know what I am thinking and know that I’m not trying to be closed off at all. Today you told me, essentially, to get over myself and just do all that I am supposed to do. I want to start tomorrow. I will make a plan, create a schedule, get things done, and try and be a better daughter, a better Christian, and a better girlfriend. I will try to be more lively and interesting and I will try to stop talking so much. I do need some change. Thank you for everything. I love you. Halia Letter No. 2
Monday September 5th, 2016 Lovey, I thought that leaving meant a period of time when things remained the same, but time passed. I’m finding it to be, instead, a time of change with your outside forces missing. Although some things stay static, like the fact that I love you, there are elements that become exaggerated by the fact that you aren’t here, and I can’t look into your eyes and know that I don’t have to worry because it will all work out some day. Even though I know it will, I can’t help but think of so many things. We both over think and we both plan ahead, we both want the best for each other and so we can both understand when one person goes down that path. Right now, I just have these things in my head and because I can’t see you in person to tell you about them, I would call you, but I know you’re so busy and we both have lives outside of each other and the fact that you have class and can’t text back very often just makes our modes of communication seem impossible, but that’s just the pressure of the moment talking. Anyway, the things on my mind; It’s just, like three different things that swirl around and create worry, doubt, and fear. It’s funny I even let it do that, but I’ve always been that actor in my head- even if it’s not very good on the outside. Well, the first thing that I have to say: I feel really clingy. I try not to be because I hate that feeling and I don’t want to be annoying or obnoxious. Writing this now makes me feel so clingy, but you’ll never see them so it doesn’t really matter. I just don’t want to chain you to something you regret or become embarrassed by. I want you to be your own person. Just because I don’t have friends and I didn’t leave doesn’t mean you have to make the same decisions. When I text you back right away I feel like I shouldn’t bother you and I shouldn’t reply like I’ve been waiting, but I have. I have been waiting and I don’t want to miss a chance to feel like you’re here again. To talk to you like you’re with me. Mostly though, I’ve been thinking about our video call and when I say this I’m going to feel ridiculous, but, I want to be honest. Emilia said something about Christmas gifts and I made mention to her Joke about- I’ll go out and say it- an engagement ring. Your reaction was both reasonable and justified- I mean we’ve only been together for (almost) two months- but it started me thinking. Are you really that violently opposed? I mean, I have lots of things that have to happen before I would marry you (sorry, gotta have those), but if it happened and those requirements were filled, I would say yes. I wouldn’t hesitate. I love you and you have exhibited all of the characteristics of a Christian man, and that is one of the most important things I could ask for. Still, would you not be open to it? I know. I know. I’m being dramatic, but I can’t help but think of these things. I want to marry you. I love you and I don’t want to wait for years to get engaged and married just because you’re in school. I know that you want to provide and all that, but we can still survive, married, while you’re in school. Your parents did it right? It’s different now and your job field is not as steady. I know that, but I am willing to do what needs to be done. I don’t want you to feel like you have to wait until you’re financially “ready” for marriage and a family. If there’s one thing that drives me absolutely insane, it would be that. Whether or not you think so or have that mentality, it is prideful and it puts you in a mindset that you don’t think God knows what he’s doing and you won’t trust him enough to provide for you. I’m not accusing, I’m just expressing my frustration. You know. Halia being Halia. I just want you to know what I think. If we know that this is what God wants, what’s the point in waiting around until it is convenient? Remember that Tuesday before you left. There are so many wonderful, charming, funny, altogether perfect things about those moments. When we were at Panera and you told me you might not be home next summer, I know for a fact my face fell. I know it looked like I was upset and I know you were afraid it would, in some way, ruin our relationship, but in truth, I just didn’t expect it and it was a lot for me to process and I think it fair to say that I am entitled to a little reaction time. I’m all up for it. Anyway, you also started thinking in that moment about how I want to live in the country and how any job in your field would require you to live near the city. When you told me about that, all my fears dissipated for a moment. A moment that takes me to all the times we’ve talked about the future, but I know minds change and so do hearts. I know you love me so don’t worry. I just think. I think of ways to protect myself and ways I can be less vulnerable. I just am such an open book with you and I expose my emotions in ways that have the potential to hurt me if, one day, you leave, or if I leave for that matter. Okay, I feel a little better. I don’t want you to worry and I don’t want you to stress (it kills you know), I just need to unleash my thoughts so I don’t implode. I don’t want to share my worries because they don’t matter and I am just being silly, but I hope you share everything you’re thinking with me. I want to help you feel at ease. Anyway, I will let you go now. I love you. Halia |
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Welcome to Letters!This is the story of a long distance couple from a one side view. Will they succeed or will they be left to drift apart? I’m sorry I didn’t dance with you that day on the pier. I’m so sorry I was what I was. And, I’m sorry for taking for granted the tomorrow that would never be there. I’ll always love you, there’s no turning back from that, but I am okay with trying to let it go, to let it stay frozen in time forever. |