My heart's contemplation
"I want you to do this but if you do- then we’re real. It’s real. Everything is just so real and I have real issues. I have real issues with things and they aren’t just my issues anymore. If you do this, I can’t deny love or- or fears. I have to talk to you. I have to answer your questions and I’m going to become attached. If I become attached I don’t want to let go again because I am tired of being guarded all the time; which isn’t your fault but I’m tired of hiding. If you do this what we are has to become something else. It has to be real and I can’t hide from that anymore. It was worth it to hide because it was way less scary. I am afraid that I am clingy now and I am nervous now. This would take that away. It would give me some sort of piece of mind. And then I would become attached and I can’t become attached if this isn’t going to stay because I didn’t have anyone use me or abuse me or neglect me or pretend I wasn’t there. But, I had everything so perfectly. I wasn’t prepared to lose it. I did everything right. Now, I just have questions. If you do this and this is real then you have to be admitting that you actually care. I thought I loved. I did love and I thought I was loved but every second I questioned that. For the reason that it just doesn’t makes sense. So if I know for a fact that you actually love me, then for a minute, some of the burden isn’t mine anymore. Then our wants and desires become our wants and desires, not yours or mine. And our issues, I can handle them. But, I can’t be together and be alone at the same time; I can’t do it. It’s exhausting. I need people and that’s dumb and ridiculous but it’s the need. I have that need and I just need a someone sometimes. And I can hide it all away inside of me and handle it just fine but not when I am supposed to be seeing someone because then I have to wrestle with do I give or not. It’s not just me anymore. It matters and I want it to matter. I want things to change forever and grow always. They can’t if we can’t do this. If you can’t do this it can never be real and that’s a decision that I alone can’t make. It’s a decision that’s not just for me anyway. That’s a good thing, right? I need reality or total fantasy and if you don’t do this then we can just stay in fantasy. For now, fine. Fine. I’ll stay in that fantasy gladly for a while. If you do this then it becomes real and real means a lot. Real means change. I love change. I love new. I like old and I like things to stay the same but I love change. So, honestly it’s okay. Just know things will change. They have to. Are you ready for that? Because I can’t not change. You have to know that. You have to know."
*
I think the reason that I am most upset is because this is the exact same thing Josh did. Not the same way but the whole telling me something was going to go down and it didn’t and then not doing a whole lot about it. Then letting me go afterwards.
"I wish you would just respond to me. Let me know that you’re alright. Cause I miss you like crazy. I miss you so much. I get a response once a day maybe twice and it’s enough for a little while just to get two words a phrase, a picture-something to think about. To consume me. Because I want to be with you and I can’t but I miss you like crazy. All the time and it’s dumb cause I think about you all the time. I try to picture you and I stare at the little penguin emoticon next to your name because sometimes, in my mind you only have half a face even though I studied every inch and detail of you as best I could. The way that your hands gripped the steering wheel as you drift across the road on purpose because it’s late at night and why not surf. The way that your chin looks when it’s freshly shaved and then the way it looks a few days after- the way I like it best. The way that your eyes look so, so tired all the time yet you smile through them but rarely with them. And I studied the way you moved, the way you looked the way you laughed. Because it’s precious. And it is so genuine. And just thinking about it makes me laugh because it’s so real. The night we went to the Falls I thought was going to be the last night I spent time with you, the last night I was really going to get to know you, was going to get to see you. I thought that night was the end because we’re different people. We want different things, but we want exactly the same thing. Just different ways- but not. Our dream weddings are so similar in every way and yet, the parts that matter, the parts that I think about the most are the parts you kind of glazed over. You don’t get to pick the way your life works out. You don’t get to pick what people do to you or do to themselves. The people that say they love you. You only can react. You’ve reacted well, better then anyone I know; better then I could ever. Because you are brave and you’re strong and you’re gentle and you care. You are all the things that I am not but I love that because, I feel strong and brave when I am with you- like I can handle anything. Yet, when I try to say something to you I start and stop because I get so nervous. I am a coward and I am weak and I know that. There are just so many things that I want you to know and I don’t think and I really kind of hope that you will never hear this but I wish that you could know without me having to tell you because I am really bad at telling people things. And I dance around every topic like it doesn’t matter. I avoid conflict. Sometimes, when it comes to the people I love, even when there’s no conflict, I avoid embarrassment or vulnerability. I don’t let myself love people. I act. I am an actor. Actors aren’t real people. They don’t exist. They aren’t real. They just pretend to be the people that they aren’t the people that they play. They take on characteristics to build a pseudo-person but it’s just another role. No matter how hard we try, actors aren’t real. They’re not people. Until they stop acting and start living. They can’t discover themselves they can’t be people. They can’t be real. They can’t exist. They keep on living in a way that isn’t living because that’s what they do, they act. I act. It’s what I do. And maybe it hurts other people and I don’t want to but I am able to repair others or at least help them but I am not able to repair myself. Ever. At all. So I do what I have to so I don’t ever break and if I don’t break- well I can’t bend either. I miss you. I am bending. Bending so far that I am afraid I will break. If I break I know that I will break you because I will not let myself break entirely in two. I’m not strong and I have no power whatsoever. I know I have the ability to hurt you and I don’t want to hurt you ever. I never want to be a memory or a bad dream. I never want to be the shadow of something that once was. I fight every day to try not to be. Every day I feel like I’m failing. Losing the fight. I know I can’t miss you because if I miss you it means I care- a lot more then I ever let on. If I do care that much it means that I can’t do without because if I try to do without I won’t make it. So I can’t miss you and I am trying not to miss you. Not to message you. Not to find the answers that I already know. I try to convince myself of the truth but I need information. I need people and it’s dumb because I don’t like people for the most part. I like you. I like you a lot. I like you a lottle. I’m afraid of the one thing that I know I can’t do or say. Even though it’s the one thing that I’ve meant the most out of anything and everything all the time because I love deeply and fully. It’s dangerous for me. It is so dangerous for me. It might just be dangerous for you too. So, I miss you and I will talk to you- later. Bye."
*
You know I started this narrative many times in my head. I don't know why I didn't speak it half the time. Well I dunno, I was afraid. Not really sure what of change maybe. Regardless I didn't really want this to have to come in a a letter but our lack of talking lately has left me feeling a need for new correspondence, a way to finally let out all the words yearning to burst forth. That being said I really don't want these contents to have to come out on paper rather than in words so I'm sure I'll hold on to this for a long while. If the moment for me to tell you this does not arrive, only then will I be able and willing to give this to you.
I once told you, it was actually last night come to think of it, in the few short sentences we exchanged, that I was not good with speaking like I am with writing. I think part of the reason I can write down my thoughts is because it's safe. Will partially anyway I can be away from any sadness, anger, or lethargicness the truth may immediately cause. It's cowardly, I know it I am just too timid. How often do you picture the future? I'm constantly looking to the Future because I know I can never change the past but the future is as yet undetermined. I have the ability to decide what I do to change my life and consequently, myself. I like having that power.
You made mention of the time I asked about where you wanted to see yourself in 5 to 10 years last night. What did you want to say about it? Cuz it seemed important but you fell asleep before telling me. I said all the filler stuff so now we can get down to it or maybe not. I keep wanting to say this but I don't because I know it will have to change things and I always find the most inconvenient times to want to say it, but I love you. I don't expect you to say it back especially if you don't mean it. Remember how you told me not to say it until I meant it, well I do. I really, really love you. And that's where it becomes hard. I love you but I'm not in love with everything you do or say. I'm sure you're not a big fan of a lot of the things I say do or believe. But, because I love you, things have to change. I don't feel any need to rush places, I like slow, but I know that my feelings have been, well expressed; I'll have to do things differently and feel free to leave at any point. I want our relationship to become more serious. I also want it to be holy. That entails a lot of changes on my part and on yours; however, I don't ever want you to change for me. Nor do I want to ask it but I do really want to be with you in the long run. I mean I think it could be possible but it depends on many things. I want to slowly start putting these elements into place. Slowly but surely. But I repeat and implore you not to go into those actions unless they are what you want. Lastly, I want to apologize. I haven't been the model of a good Christian lately. I actually put shame to what I say I believe at times and I'm sorry. I love never wanted to be that. I have always wanted to live righteously but I have fallen many times and I'm tired of living as if I was something else. I'm done being anxious because I know I've done wrong. So, I'm intentionally apologizing to you for my great incompetence. I know this is a lot but I want to be honest with you. I love you and I want to move forward but it takes two people to make a relationship work. I have some other letter type that process for you. If you ever want to see them just ask. You know, I had hoped and still do that we could last for more than 2 months. In reality I've gotten to know you more then you know. Thank you for imparting yourself in my life. Thank you for showing me your true self. I will always have you in a corner of my heart, no matter what you decide. I will always love you. I really love you and never want to hurt you that's why I'm telling you this now.
*
I have three things today. I should really be talking but at this point there's never a good time. So, today I have two things. I was wondering, do I annoy you? I may be a little insecure and asking but I honestly want to know. Do I annoy you? Am I around too much? Do I talk too often? Am I too insecure? What is it? You know, I try to be kind and do all I can for those around me, even when I really don't want to. I know the reward is not on Earth, but why does everyone take advantage of my kindness? Do you even listen when I answer your questions? You often cut off or ignore me when we talk on the phone. So I don't know if I should even answer your questions anymore. That's all you hurt my heart. Just so you know. If I ever become a real author, then will you read some of my work? I will try really hard and even though I get embarrassed by most of my writing, would you read some? Speaking of which, what did you think of the bet you read while we were in the city? Lastly, you asked what my plans were for when you moved. Do you have a suggestion or prediction? Would you like for me to do something specific? I value your opinion. Okay, I love you. Good night my darling.
*
Okay so I want just you to talk some writing down my things so I don't have to say them. But what's right? What to write when I know that one day everything will be okay? Everything is so trivial sometimes. And yet so valuable. I've been wrong. You've been wrong. It's a never-ending cycle. But that doesn't make either of us less valuable. I love you. It's not a new exclamation but it is Revitalize. I haven't felt Revitalized in a long time. And I'm going to work hard this time to stay that way. Things change so quickly. It's honestly crazy. Life Changes so rapidly and yet it all stays the same. We change and everyone around us just keeps rolling and moving and going and that's okay. We need to change. Bad things happen and we move past them and it feels so great for them to be better even though everyone else is still moving at the same Pace they were before, it feels amazing to know that we've moved forward and that we've done something. The past week has been wonderful the week before that was bad. We have good and bad days and weeks and months and sometimes years. But darling, You and I well, I'll put it this way, today in confession my priest told me that I was free for my sins. Think about that for a minute. We are free. We are free from bad days and weeks and months and years. We can choose to let them Hold Us Down while everyone moves forward around us or we can choose to keep moving through them. We can choose to be free and fly. it feels incredible to No One believe the things you have done that have ruined you God has saved. God has made those things whole again and taken away your sin. And this is your shot. But you have a shot because of him. And I'm not going to mess that up. Please help me so I don't mess it up. I want us to not mess that up together. Because although we made the choice to mess it up together, the choice to clean it up is all our own. But I know that you want this. And so do I. So let's make this better. Let's prove ourselves. I believe. And I know you do too. So let's move forward together.
*
You know, I’ve started this narrative many times in my head. I don’t know why I didn’t speak it half the time. Well, I do know; I was afraid. Not really sure what of – change maybe. Regardless, I didn’t really want this to have to come in a letter but out lack of talking lately has left me feeling a need for new correspondence, a way to finally let out all the words yearning to burst forth. That being said, I really don’t want these contents to have to come out on paper rather then in words so I’m sure I’ll hold onto this for a long while. If the moment for me to tell you this does not arrive only then will I be able and willing to give this to you. I once told you (It was actually last night, come to think of it.) in the few short sentences we exchanged, that I was not good with speaking like I am with writing. I think part of the reason I can write down my thoughts is because it’s safe. Well, partially anyway. I can be away from all sadness, anger, or lethargicness the truth may immediately cause. It’s cowardly, I know it. I am just too timid. How often do you picture the future? I am constantly looking to the future cause I know I can never change the past but the future is, as yet, undetermined. I have the ability to decide what I do to change my life and consequently, myself. I like having that power. You made mention of the time I asked about where you wanted to see yourself in 5-10 years last night. What did you want to say about it? It seemed important but you fell asleep before telling me. I’ve said all the filler stuff so now we get down to it. I keep wanting to say this but I don’t because I know it will have to change things and I always find the most inconvenient times to want to say it, but I love you. I don’t expect you to say it back, especially if you don’t mean it. Remember how you told me not to say it until I meant it, well, I do. I really, really love you. That’s where it becomes hard. I’m in love with you, but I’m not in love with everything you do or say. I’m sure you’re not a big fan of a lot of the things I say, do, or believe but because I love you, things have to change. I don’t feel any need to rush places, I like slow, but now that my feelings have been expressed, I’ll have to do things differently. I want our relationship to become more serious. But I also want it to be holy. That entails a lot of changes, however, I don’t ever want you to change for me, nor do I want to ask it. I do really want to be with you in the long run but it’s dependent on many things. I know this is a lot but I want to be honest with you. I love you and I want to move forward but it takes two people to make a relationship work.
*
The part that really made me feel like a child was when you first said something about that's what a puppy is. It's not like I don't know. In the way that it was said made it seem like I was a kid and had to be taught how a puppy was. I didn't understand but it was a requirement that was added to having a puppy that actually changed it, and that wasn't a restriction I asked for. Although I do not mind that, I wanted to point out that I knew what I was asking for but I was not aware of this extra restriction at the beginning. I was saying how that makes it really difficult, and I don't know how to approach it, so I needed extra help. I didn't say it that well, which was part of my problem, but that was where the problem started. The issue started in the me shutting down. The conversation went longer and farther than I had intended or wanted it to go because my only intention was to ask about those two things until I got a text which then made me disappointed because of something that I asked. I should really clarify if that's something that you can do, and what boundaries we're actually going to set. The implicit rules aren't working ,so we need to set some explicit rules so that we both know what is expected. That way I'm not expecting too much, and you know what I mean because sometimes I am far more than I should be. I should say things explicitly and do not. The other thing that got me annoyed with the repetition of everything we had already talked about. It bothered me for two reasons: one reason was because that happened to me a lot when I was younger, and it was something that was used as a tactic to tell kids that they needed to listen better when I already knew what was going on, so it made me feel childish. The other reason that it bothered me is because it's something that you do a lot when you're drunk and again, you said you wouldn't be drunk or get drunk anymore. Another thing that really bothers me is that a number of the things that were done were very self-centered. They may have been working all day, you may have been alone, but the stuff that you did wasn't stuff that needed to happen in order for the house to function. It was stuff that you needed to get done for you. And while that stuff does needs to get done, I have to do all of that and all the stuff to make the house function. But a lot of the reason that I feel like my stuff is so that the house can function is because I'm working full-time at a regular job and not going to school. That is something I need to fix because that is not any more important or necessary to the house functioning than you going to school. We need to be clear about our expectations for a night or an event or thing or whatever it may be. If we aren't clear we cannot get upset about it; we can feel upset and we should explain to the other person how it makes us feel but not be upset about it. We cannot have hard feelings about it, but let the other person know and then make a note for ourselves that we need to be more clear. That said thing is a part of our expectations next time we encounter that issue. The other person cannot get offended that the other person is upset because they did not know any better, and that person cannot victimize themselves because they didn't know and they honestly did not do anything that wasn't explicitly stated. However, the offending party should still be sure to be considerate at all times of the other person and what they may not have explicitly said but could be considered common sense. There should not have to be a list of rules at all times in order for the two parties to function properly. Potentially we should make a list of what each person is able to do with their current role in the family, and then decide what tasks have to be done consistently enough that they should be divvied up between the parties. Part of the reason that I have issues in relationships is because deep down I just want someone to tell me if I'm doing right or wrong, so I can know and make adjustments. Then I can do it right in the end. I keep hoping that someone will just tell me one or the other so that I know and can stop wondering. I want to move on to something else that I have an issue with or that I am afraid I'm not doing right. I just want to be the best I can be. It's hard when you don't have a guide anymore.
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